Return to Sender
by Raven Usher
Well, it finally happened. After over 4 years of hormones, doctor visits, court dates and enough drama to fill an entire season of some television drama, it finally happened. I lost a family member over being transgendered.
The prospect of losing friends and family members is not specific to transgendered individuals. It is something that every member of the LGBT community has to face when they come out of the closet. Nearly all of us lose someone. For the lucky ones it will be an extended family member like an aunt or an uncle who they only see once or twice a year anyway. If your luck wanes a bit you might lose someone a little closer, a friend or a grand parent. The really unlucky ones lose best friends, siblings and parents.
Of course there are two sides to this coin. Quite often coming out and sharing such a deeply personal aspect of your life draws you closer to another person. When I sent out the announcements that I had changed my name, my Aunt Christine called to congratulate me. We became closer than we had ever been before. She even attended my wedding in Las Vegas last May. At the family Christmas gathering, my brother’s fiance and I got along great and I can see her becoming the sister I never had.
That is the shiny side of the coin. We do not hear about the shiny side simply because it does need any maintenance. It is the tarnished side of the coin that gets the attention. I think too much attention. We should spend more time and energy maintaining the polish on the shiny side. That is where we will find the rewards. That is the side that will make us happy.
The tarnished side of the coin is corroded because it is forever in the mud, grime and darkness. It is face down in the dirt. And it shelters the growth of slime and other icky things. The unfortunate aspect of slime is that it likes being slime. There is no amount of light or cleanser that will turn it into anything other than slime. Instead of trying to save the slime we should just scrape it off, toss it aside, and let it go somewhere else to be slime. Then we can concentrate on polishing as much of the coin as we are able.
My coin has stayed fairly well polished. It got tarnished in a few places along the way. But I have managed to polish most of dull spots. Sometimes it took a hell of a lot of elbow grease to get it done. But nothing worth while is easy.
The family member who cut ties with me is my Uncle Greg. He is my dad’s brother. He is one of those ultra-conservative far right-wing bible thumping self-appointed vessel of God’s judgment that makes life so interesting for the LGBT community. The judgment he passed on me is the same as the judgment he passed on my Aunt Christine, his sister. I have not actually laid eyes on Uncle Greg since I was about 15 years old. So it was not a huge loss. It still hurt though. What hurt the most was the way he did it. A letter or phone call explaining his views and feelings I could have respected. That show of integrity would have been an act or honor that I would be able to honor in return.
History has shown us that the religious right is neither honorable nor respectful. Uncle Greg displayed that dishonorable disrespect in grand fashion. He sent the Christmas card I sent him back to me. It was unopened and had “return to sender” scribbled across the front.
I do not bear Uncle Greg any ill will. I am trying not to at least . It is not easy when he is so blatant in his hatred of family members. Such cruel actions, specially towards his own sister, are hard to forgive. And using religion to justify harmful actions is despicable. I hope Uncle Greg is happy in the life he has created for himself. Although I can not imagine how anyone can be happy in a world built on bigotry and hatred.
Blessed Be.
by Raven Usher
Well, it finally happened. After over 4 years of hormones, doctor visits, court dates and enough drama to fill an entire season of some television drama, it finally happened. I lost a family member over being transgendered.
The prospect of losing friends and family members is not specific to transgendered individuals. It is something that every member of the LGBT community has to face when they come out of the closet. Nearly all of us lose someone. For the lucky ones it will be an extended family member like an aunt or an uncle who they only see once or twice a year anyway. If your luck wanes a bit you might lose someone a little closer, a friend or a grand parent. The really unlucky ones lose best friends, siblings and parents.
Of course there are two sides to this coin. Quite often coming out and sharing such a deeply personal aspect of your life draws you closer to another person. When I sent out the announcements that I had changed my name, my Aunt Christine called to congratulate me. We became closer than we had ever been before. She even attended my wedding in Las Vegas last May. At the family Christmas gathering, my brother’s fiance and I got along great and I can see her becoming the sister I never had.
That is the shiny side of the coin. We do not hear about the shiny side simply because it does need any maintenance. It is the tarnished side of the coin that gets the attention. I think too much attention. We should spend more time and energy maintaining the polish on the shiny side. That is where we will find the rewards. That is the side that will make us happy.
The tarnished side of the coin is corroded because it is forever in the mud, grime and darkness. It is face down in the dirt. And it shelters the growth of slime and other icky things. The unfortunate aspect of slime is that it likes being slime. There is no amount of light or cleanser that will turn it into anything other than slime. Instead of trying to save the slime we should just scrape it off, toss it aside, and let it go somewhere else to be slime. Then we can concentrate on polishing as much of the coin as we are able.
My coin has stayed fairly well polished. It got tarnished in a few places along the way. But I have managed to polish most of dull spots. Sometimes it took a hell of a lot of elbow grease to get it done. But nothing worth while is easy.
The family member who cut ties with me is my Uncle Greg. He is my dad’s brother. He is one of those ultra-conservative far right-wing bible thumping self-appointed vessel of God’s judgment that makes life so interesting for the LGBT community. The judgment he passed on me is the same as the judgment he passed on my Aunt Christine, his sister. I have not actually laid eyes on Uncle Greg since I was about 15 years old. So it was not a huge loss. It still hurt though. What hurt the most was the way he did it. A letter or phone call explaining his views and feelings I could have respected. That show of integrity would have been an act or honor that I would be able to honor in return.
History has shown us that the religious right is neither honorable nor respectful. Uncle Greg displayed that dishonorable disrespect in grand fashion. He sent the Christmas card I sent him back to me. It was unopened and had “return to sender” scribbled across the front.
I do not bear Uncle Greg any ill will. I am trying not to at least . It is not easy when he is so blatant in his hatred of family members. Such cruel actions, specially towards his own sister, are hard to forgive. And using religion to justify harmful actions is despicable. I hope Uncle Greg is happy in the life he has created for himself. Although I can not imagine how anyone can be happy in a world built on bigotry and hatred.
Blessed Be.
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