Sunday, September 16, 2007

To Be or Not To Be... The Answer is the Thing


To Be or Not To Be… The Answer is the Thing
By Raven Usher

To be or not to be? Shakespeare called it “the question”. As I am sure that most of the English speaking world is familiar with these words, I am equally sure that few have ever bothered to contemplate them. A series of six very simple words actually present a very complicated question. Should I be? Or should I not be?

Have you ever spent any time thinking about what it means to be? It means existing. It means living and doing all the things that allow you to continue to live. To exist. To be. On the other side of that coin is the more ominous option. To NOT be.

Have you ever thought about not being? It is a chilling thought, is it not? Most people do not even want to approach the subject. The truth is that it never occurs to most people to contemplate being until they have an unsettling surprise encounter with the possibility of not being. It could be a car accident. It could be a heart attack. It could be staring down the barrel of a gun (someone else’s or your own).

How many of you have already come to the conclusion that you are reading the nonsensical ravings of a crazy suicidal bitch? Well, I have been suicidal and I might just be crazy. But I assure this is not nonsense.

You do not just recover from depression. A penicillin shot from your local doc does not clear it up in a few days the way it cleared up the after math of that rendezvous in the dark corner of the park with a stranger. It takes time. That is, if full recovery ever happens at all.

To be. To enjoy those things that bring you pleasure. To indulge in the company of those who love you. To sample the delicate tastes and flavors the world has to offer. To stand and face adversity. To endure sorrow. To feel ALL the feelings the human heart is capable off letting out. To balance the joys against the sorrows… the pleasures against the pains. To feel the heat of the sun and the cold of the snow. To feel silk on your chest and gravel under your feet. To sleep. And to wake up.

There is so much to consider. It is not an easy accomplishment to think about all those things. The truth is that most of us take it all for granted. We are use to them being there whether we need them or not. So many people scurry through life blissfully unaware of how fragile the whole structure can become. When a person has to consciously take stock of the entire company of his or her life on a daily basis, the sheer act of being becomes a dauntless struggle.

Not to be. The great escape. The great surrender. Is it cowardice? NO. It is defeat. It is confusion. It is the end of all the unanswerable question, the unendurable feelings and the total exhaustion of not being able to be. It is the answer to being trapped. It is pure sorrow at it strongest incarnation. It is, in a word, helplessness.

Most of us do not know, and hopefully will never know, true helplessness. I think most people think of helplessness in the cute and cuddly context of caring for an infant. But infants are not truly helpless. When an infant is in distress it can communicate the fact to those around the infant with a series of screams and yells. When one reaches the stage of considering not being even that simple survival skill is lost.

Depression and suicide runs rampant through the LGBT community. As optimistic as the “fell-gooders” want us all to be, it is not something that one can save oneself from. Have you ever heard the helpless cries of someone near you? Do you even know what to listen for? The helpless can not ask for help. Can you offer it?

Blessed be