Coming Out for Dummies
(revision 2005)
by Raven Usher
Coming out of the closet is not a one-time event. It is an on-going process that can take a great deal of time and effort. True, you can make the “grand announcement” at some family gathering, spinning everyone you know into a whole new dimension of drama and gossip. But unless you are going for some sort of twisted revenge plot, that really is not the best way to go about telling the people you love that you are gay, lesbian or transgendered.
The best way to come out is to take the feelings of others into account and do what is in your power to lessen any possible hurt. You may be perfectly comfortable with your own sexuality but do not assume that your own comfort implies the comfort of others. Despite what many angry activists demand, it is not anyone’s responsibility to be accepting of homosexuality. It is your responsibility to present yourself in an honest, respectable and forthright manner so they have the opportunity to be accepting.
Shoving something down someone’s throat is not a good way to get them to be receptive. It is better to use a feather instead of a rock to deliver news of this sort. Luckily, we do not have to suffer through an endless 12-step program to do so. We only have six steps. And depending on your courage, they can go rather quickly.
Step one: Choose who to tell.
Part of why coming out can be so scary is that we consider trying to tell everyone we know at one time. That prospect is usually so overwhelming that it discourages us before we even have a chance to make a decent start. We give up and try to put off the inevitable.
Instead, we should tell those we love one or two at a time. It will be easier for them. It will be easier on you. Make a list of all the people you need to tell. Prioritize them in an order that lists the most understanding , accepting person first and the most homophobic, least accepting person last.
With every person you tell you will gain comfort and confidence in your ability to do it. By starting with the most understanding person you lessen the initial shock on yourself and you increase your chances of building a cushion of support. By doing this, when you get to the last, least understanding person you will have gained the experience you will need to face their disapproval.
Step two: Choose the medium of communication.
Coming out in person is the best way to go about revealing yourself. Not everyone is comfortable talking face to face, though. Sometimes distance and time make a face to face conversation impossible. Luckily, in today’s communication driven world we have a number of mediums at our disposal.
If they cannot see your face, try to let them hear your voice. Your sincerity is conveyed in the tones and inflections of your voice. Your concern for their welfare will show in your speech. And the personal expression of taking your time to talk to them will also help ease woes.
The trick is to find the method of communication that is the most effective for you. Do not be afraid to come out in a letter or e-mail. The written word is a reliable way to make sure that you are saying the right thing in the right way. Do remember that you are sharing an intimate part of yourself. A hand written letter is much more personal than an e-mail.
Step three: Ask permission to confide.
You have a burden. It is the burden of secrecy. You are about to ask another person to relieve you of that burden. Just dropping such a burden in their lap without warning is completely inconsiderate.
Tell the person that you have a very serious matter you need to talk about and ask them for their permission to confide in them. This accomplishes two things. It will set the tone for a serious conversation. And it will give them the opportunity to brace themselves for your news.
Step four: Come out!
The best way to come out is to use as few words as you can. Do not try to sugar coat things. Do not get poetic and lyrical. Do not drone on about series of events that brought you to the moment. Just say the words. Be precise. Be direct. Be honest.
“Mom, I’m gay.”
Once you say the words, shut up! Do not add background information. Do not offer an explanation of any kind. Sit there and keep your teeth together. Waite for their reaction before you do anything else.
Step five: Offer to answers questions.
After they have supported you by allowing you to share your news, it is time for you to support them and help them try to understand what they have just been told. Offer to answer any and all questions. Whether the questions come up right then or a week or a year later, you must answer them with complete honesty no matter how personal the question may be.
By coming out to this person, you have begun to share your life with them. You will, for a while at least, need to continue to share. If mom asks about your sex life, tell her. If dad asks you some stereotypical panic question, reassure him. You can not, you must not, tell someone you are gay, lesbian or transgendered and then refuse them any further information.
Step six: Saying thank you.
Regardless of the reaction you get, good or bad, the person you just came out to did you a huge favor. It may be the biggest favor that they have ever done for anyone. That requires thanks on your part.
Even if they scream, damn you to perdition and throw you out, they deserve your thanks. They may not want it any more than they want the knowledge of your sexuality. But that should not stop you from offering it. Even if you have to scream your thanks through a closed door from the sidewalk out front, do it.
Saying “thank you” is as much for you as it is for them. It is your closure. It is the confirmation that you have done what you needed to do for your own well being. No matter what becomes of the relationship with the other person, whether it gets stronger and continues or withers away to nothing, you will always know that you did everything in your power to make peace.
That is what coming out is all about. Making peace. Peace with yourself. Peace with those you love. Peace with the world.
Say “thank you” to them, to yourself, and to what ever higher power you subscribe to. It is your pathway to happiness.
Blessed Be.
And thank you for reading.
(revision 2005)
by Raven Usher
Coming out of the closet is not a one-time event. It is an on-going process that can take a great deal of time and effort. True, you can make the “grand announcement” at some family gathering, spinning everyone you know into a whole new dimension of drama and gossip. But unless you are going for some sort of twisted revenge plot, that really is not the best way to go about telling the people you love that you are gay, lesbian or transgendered.
The best way to come out is to take the feelings of others into account and do what is in your power to lessen any possible hurt. You may be perfectly comfortable with your own sexuality but do not assume that your own comfort implies the comfort of others. Despite what many angry activists demand, it is not anyone’s responsibility to be accepting of homosexuality. It is your responsibility to present yourself in an honest, respectable and forthright manner so they have the opportunity to be accepting.
Shoving something down someone’s throat is not a good way to get them to be receptive. It is better to use a feather instead of a rock to deliver news of this sort. Luckily, we do not have to suffer through an endless 12-step program to do so. We only have six steps. And depending on your courage, they can go rather quickly.
Step one: Choose who to tell.
Part of why coming out can be so scary is that we consider trying to tell everyone we know at one time. That prospect is usually so overwhelming that it discourages us before we even have a chance to make a decent start. We give up and try to put off the inevitable.
Instead, we should tell those we love one or two at a time. It will be easier for them. It will be easier on you. Make a list of all the people you need to tell. Prioritize them in an order that lists the most understanding , accepting person first and the most homophobic, least accepting person last.
With every person you tell you will gain comfort and confidence in your ability to do it. By starting with the most understanding person you lessen the initial shock on yourself and you increase your chances of building a cushion of support. By doing this, when you get to the last, least understanding person you will have gained the experience you will need to face their disapproval.
Step two: Choose the medium of communication.
Coming out in person is the best way to go about revealing yourself. Not everyone is comfortable talking face to face, though. Sometimes distance and time make a face to face conversation impossible. Luckily, in today’s communication driven world we have a number of mediums at our disposal.
If they cannot see your face, try to let them hear your voice. Your sincerity is conveyed in the tones and inflections of your voice. Your concern for their welfare will show in your speech. And the personal expression of taking your time to talk to them will also help ease woes.
The trick is to find the method of communication that is the most effective for you. Do not be afraid to come out in a letter or e-mail. The written word is a reliable way to make sure that you are saying the right thing in the right way. Do remember that you are sharing an intimate part of yourself. A hand written letter is much more personal than an e-mail.
Step three: Ask permission to confide.
You have a burden. It is the burden of secrecy. You are about to ask another person to relieve you of that burden. Just dropping such a burden in their lap without warning is completely inconsiderate.
Tell the person that you have a very serious matter you need to talk about and ask them for their permission to confide in them. This accomplishes two things. It will set the tone for a serious conversation. And it will give them the opportunity to brace themselves for your news.
Step four: Come out!
The best way to come out is to use as few words as you can. Do not try to sugar coat things. Do not get poetic and lyrical. Do not drone on about series of events that brought you to the moment. Just say the words. Be precise. Be direct. Be honest.
“Mom, I’m gay.”
Once you say the words, shut up! Do not add background information. Do not offer an explanation of any kind. Sit there and keep your teeth together. Waite for their reaction before you do anything else.
Step five: Offer to answers questions.
After they have supported you by allowing you to share your news, it is time for you to support them and help them try to understand what they have just been told. Offer to answer any and all questions. Whether the questions come up right then or a week or a year later, you must answer them with complete honesty no matter how personal the question may be.
By coming out to this person, you have begun to share your life with them. You will, for a while at least, need to continue to share. If mom asks about your sex life, tell her. If dad asks you some stereotypical panic question, reassure him. You can not, you must not, tell someone you are gay, lesbian or transgendered and then refuse them any further information.
Step six: Saying thank you.
Regardless of the reaction you get, good or bad, the person you just came out to did you a huge favor. It may be the biggest favor that they have ever done for anyone. That requires thanks on your part.
Even if they scream, damn you to perdition and throw you out, they deserve your thanks. They may not want it any more than they want the knowledge of your sexuality. But that should not stop you from offering it. Even if you have to scream your thanks through a closed door from the sidewalk out front, do it.
Saying “thank you” is as much for you as it is for them. It is your closure. It is the confirmation that you have done what you needed to do for your own well being. No matter what becomes of the relationship with the other person, whether it gets stronger and continues or withers away to nothing, you will always know that you did everything in your power to make peace.
That is what coming out is all about. Making peace. Peace with yourself. Peace with those you love. Peace with the world.
Say “thank you” to them, to yourself, and to what ever higher power you subscribe to. It is your pathway to happiness.
Blessed Be.
And thank you for reading.
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