“Red Team, You Have a Patient”
By Raven Usher
This is not an apology. There is no reason for me to apologize. Yes, it is true that I worried the hell out of my wife and kids. And I made my father, the ex military MP, fight back tears when he looked at me. And I triggered my brother’s EMT/cop protective instincts. And I sent my closest friends into a tizzy of near panic. Still with all this, there is no need for apologies.
I have written about it. I have talked about it. I have even lectured about it. I have come to the rescue of others in crisis from it. I have counseled people who have faced it. I have helped others beat it. During the last week in June 2007, it brought me to my knees and I needed others to come to my rescue.
At approximately two in the afternoon I left my house on my motorcycle trying to run from something that was not tangible. By eight o’clock that night I had been admitted to the Saint Alphonsus psychiatric center under suicide watch.
In February of this year I wrote about the 50% rule. It states that 50% of transsexuals will end up dead by their early 30’s… most by committing suicide. The Harry Benjamin Standards of Care calls it being susceptible to “Emotional lability”. I am nearly forty now and although I have surpassed that focal age group I am still in danger. I have been since October 2006.
Dealing with suicidal thoughts and feelings is a possibility that every transgendered person should be knowledgeable about. It may never plague you. If not count yourself lucky. It can hit any of us at any time. Although my own fight against suicide is not directly linked to my being transsexual, my predisposition of susceptibility to depression from being transgendered made it all the easier for outside influences overwhelm me.
Of course, anyone can fall victim to suicidal thoughts and feelings. It is not a condition that is particular to transgendered people. But if you are transgendered, and especially if you are on or are considering hormone therapy, you need to be aware that you are at added risk. Despite my current condition, undergoing hormone therapy and pursuing transition was still the best decision of my life. It has been my saving grace.
Being a trans person has its risks. Most of those risks do not come from the outside world. We must be vigilant against the possibility hatred, intolerance and violence. But it is more important to be aware of the risks from inside ourselves. Our own physical health and our mental and emotional states can present even more danger than bigots and religious fanatics.
It is a scary thing when your brain tries to convince you to end your own life. It is even scarier when you start to listen and move to do what you are being told. The danger got so real for me that it triggered my flight instinct. I ran. Luckily my instincts led me to run to where I could find help. It certainly was not conscious thought that got me to Saint Alphonsus. I do not know how I got there. All I know for certain is that I had been riding aimlessly for over an hour before I managed to take that left turn into their parking lot.
The truth is I got very lucky. I avoided doing any physical damage to myself. Unfortunately, not everyone who finds themselves in that position gets lucky. I have every possible safety precaution in place. I have professional help. But still… At this moment I cannot be confident about how long my luck will hold out. Or if I even have any luck left.
How lucky are you? Can you rely on your luck to save you? Please do not leave it to luck. Know your level of risk. Talk to someone before it becomes an emergency. There is a way out.
Blessed Be
24 hour suicide hotline: 1-800-726-0003
By Raven Usher
This is not an apology. There is no reason for me to apologize. Yes, it is true that I worried the hell out of my wife and kids. And I made my father, the ex military MP, fight back tears when he looked at me. And I triggered my brother’s EMT/cop protective instincts. And I sent my closest friends into a tizzy of near panic. Still with all this, there is no need for apologies.
I have written about it. I have talked about it. I have even lectured about it. I have come to the rescue of others in crisis from it. I have counseled people who have faced it. I have helped others beat it. During the last week in June 2007, it brought me to my knees and I needed others to come to my rescue.
At approximately two in the afternoon I left my house on my motorcycle trying to run from something that was not tangible. By eight o’clock that night I had been admitted to the Saint Alphonsus psychiatric center under suicide watch.
In February of this year I wrote about the 50% rule. It states that 50% of transsexuals will end up dead by their early 30’s… most by committing suicide. The Harry Benjamin Standards of Care calls it being susceptible to “Emotional lability”. I am nearly forty now and although I have surpassed that focal age group I am still in danger. I have been since October 2006.
Dealing with suicidal thoughts and feelings is a possibility that every transgendered person should be knowledgeable about. It may never plague you. If not count yourself lucky. It can hit any of us at any time. Although my own fight against suicide is not directly linked to my being transsexual, my predisposition of susceptibility to depression from being transgendered made it all the easier for outside influences overwhelm me.
Of course, anyone can fall victim to suicidal thoughts and feelings. It is not a condition that is particular to transgendered people. But if you are transgendered, and especially if you are on or are considering hormone therapy, you need to be aware that you are at added risk. Despite my current condition, undergoing hormone therapy and pursuing transition was still the best decision of my life. It has been my saving grace.
Being a trans person has its risks. Most of those risks do not come from the outside world. We must be vigilant against the possibility hatred, intolerance and violence. But it is more important to be aware of the risks from inside ourselves. Our own physical health and our mental and emotional states can present even more danger than bigots and religious fanatics.
It is a scary thing when your brain tries to convince you to end your own life. It is even scarier when you start to listen and move to do what you are being told. The danger got so real for me that it triggered my flight instinct. I ran. Luckily my instincts led me to run to where I could find help. It certainly was not conscious thought that got me to Saint Alphonsus. I do not know how I got there. All I know for certain is that I had been riding aimlessly for over an hour before I managed to take that left turn into their parking lot.
The truth is I got very lucky. I avoided doing any physical damage to myself. Unfortunately, not everyone who finds themselves in that position gets lucky. I have every possible safety precaution in place. I have professional help. But still… At this moment I cannot be confident about how long my luck will hold out. Or if I even have any luck left.
How lucky are you? Can you rely on your luck to save you? Please do not leave it to luck. Know your level of risk. Talk to someone before it becomes an emergency. There is a way out.
Blessed Be
24 hour suicide hotline: 1-800-726-0003
1 comment:
You are such a Sweetheart. I'm so happy that you got the help that you needed and I've been praying that you stay that way. If you ever need me, just call me, anytime day or night, you know the number. *mwahs*
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