It Happens, Accept It

It Happens, Accept It
By Raven Usher

No your eyes do not deceive you. I am back. You may rejoice!
Pride is on us once again. It has me thinking about how lucky I have been to have found something so precious in the midst of some serious personal hardship.

Acceptance.

It is what we want. It is what we need. It is what we strive to achieve (especially during Pride). Acceptance is an elusive little bugger. You never know where it is going to pop up. Sometimes it seems like it has been purposely chased out of areas that should be its natural habitat. Some religious institutions have become notorious in their efforts to chase it from their ranks as if it was a plaque rat. Doctors offices, law enforcement, legal agencies, legislative bodies… all the institutions whose purposes are meant to help us all in our quests for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness keep showing galling examples of how acceptance can be a rare commodity.

Then, when you are not expecting it, acceptance pops up like a lone flower from a crack in a barren patch of pavement. It brings a spark of color and light to a place we suspect may be a tad bit inhospitable. It is always a wonderful thing when that suspicion is proven wrong.

I found acceptance in a place that has a reputation for unbridled violence among a gang of rough and tumble, high-speed, low-drag women (and a handful of men) who present an image that is down right formidable. The Treasure Valley Roller Girls (TVR) roller derby league.

You never know how things are going to go the first time you walk into a new group of people. The prospect of practicing a sport twice a week where one tends to get pretty butched up and the chances of staying dolled up and in passing mode are slim makes one even more timid about diving into the situation. From the first time that I witnessed the roller girls practicing I knew full well, even just standing on the sidelines, that I was going to be read. And I was.

And they did not care. They treated me exactly like every other fresh meat (that’s what they call the new girls who haven’t been drafted on to one of the four teams) skater in the league. Not one of them, skaters or referees, ever gave me the slightest reason to feel uncomfortable for even a moment. Although quite a few of them are pretty good at making me feel old with how effectively they skate circles around me.

And I am not the only LGBT person who has found that same acceptance among the ranks of the TVR. I am not about to go printing names without people’s permission. Suffice to say that Pride will have its observers at the roller derby.

And as coincidence has it, the TVR will be having a bout (a game) against a visiting team from Bend, Oregon at the same time we will be celebrating Pride. The bout will be at the Idaho Expo Center on Friday, June 13th. The doors open at 6pm and the bout starts at 7pm. It would be a great gesture of reciprocal support and acceptance for some of us from the LGBT community took some time during Pride to go down to the Expo and watch some roller derby. That and it is a hell of a good fun. Ticket information is available on the TVR website, http://www.treasurevalleyrollergirls.net/.

Blessed Be

Rational.... or Not?

Rational… or Not?
By Raven Usher

Some fears are rational. That makes them useful because they help keep us out of dangerous situations. They keep us from walking on ice that will break below our feet. It keeps us from crossing the street into traffic. They keep us from getting too close to the edge of the cliff. With a healthy level of rational fear (and exercising some common sense) we can stay out of a lot of trouble.

Some fears are irrational. They simply do not make sense and if you try you can usually figure out why they are there. Most of them are left-overs from real intense scares from some other time in our lives. Being bit by one dog as a child can leave the grown adult afraid of all dogs. Witnessing someone have an accident can make someone avoid that same activity from then on out.

Some of them are given birth by our imagination. A six-year-old could hear a spooky story about the boogie man. Thirty years later there is a adult who can not go to sleep at night if the closet door is open. There is absolutely no danger in the closet. The person knows full well that there is no danger in the closet. But that imaginary fear has been engrained into the subconscious for so long that the impulse to close the closet door before getting into bed simply cannot be ignored.

These irrational fears are harmless. They do not have any kind of negative impact on our lives. So someone has a pet cat instead of a dog. The companionship is still there. So someone never goes skydiving. Some people would call that a smart decision. So someone takes three extra steps at night before going to bed. What do you lose for that?

What happens when irrational fears DO have a negative impact upon our lives? What if they stop us form being able to accomplish simple, every day tasks? What if they impair our ability to live a healthy life? What if an irrational fear goes so far as to become a verifiable threat to our own lives? Perdition must feel like a picnic after living with that kind of fear.

The North American Lexicon of Transgender Terms (http://www.glbpubs.com/lex.html) lists an entry; “Free-Shot Bull’s Eye” defined as “The fear of being a target for anti-transgender or transphobic violence while being without protection from law enforcement agencies.”

Rational or irrational? Harmless or negative effect?

There are transgendered people who suffer greatly from this fear. It stops them from coming out of the closet. It keeps them from the proper gender expression. It stops them from pursuing transition. In a nutshell, it keeps people from being their true selves. I believe that to be a very serious negative effect. It is like being so afraid of water that you are unable to leave the house if it rains. It is that much of an inhibitor to living a happy, healthy life.

Is it an irrational fear? That is harder to say. There certainly have been examples of law enforcement officers falling short of their duties to protect the public when it comes to transgendered individuals. I have seen reports of officers around the country turning a blind eye to the aftermath of violence. I have heard of accounts of officers being rude and abusive. (I do not have knowledge of anything like that happening in Boise specifically.)

I have also seen incidents of police men and women going to great lengths to be as sensitive as possible towards tranfolk. I myself have experienced first hand members of the legal profession going out of their way to accommodate my unusual physical circumstance. I have even seen officers be as helpful as possible to TG people on the TV show COPS.

That makes me think that the fear of “being without protection from law enforcement agencies” really is an irrational fear. I think we should hold the incidents of maltreatment and/or abuse by police against the individual officers who commit those failures in duty. I have found more examples of sympathetic attitudes from officers than those of hostility or indifference.

There are people in this world of whom transgendered individuals should be afraid. Every now and then one of those people will find employment in law enforcement. That should not make us afraid of all law enforcement agencies. And the dereliction of duty by that one cop should not be held as a blight against the agency. Trust the cops. It will save your life.
Bad apples do not spoil barrels.

Blessed be.

Treasure Valley Roller Girls - Roller Derby

This is just for fun. It's not really news of any kind. And it has nothing to do with transgender issues. I just really enjoy doing it.
FYI.... I'm the referee in the pink helmet.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUxMI4XDC8w

Transgender Day of Remembrance

Transgender Day of Remembrance
By Raven Usher

Writing about the November 20 Transgender Day of Remembrance has become an annual event for me. Usually, I spend a couple of months ahead of time researching the names and consequences of the year’s fallen. It is one of the reasons why I appear to become saddened as the holiday season approaches. This year I simply did not have the energy or fortitude to do that research.

A fairly large part of me feels like I have failed those victims of violence who had their lives taken from them this year. Although justice may not be forth coming for the crimes of their deaths, I always thought that by honoring their memories, as I have done, in some cosmic way it may have helped bring some peace to their souls. It is the same philosophy that keeps the flame burning at the tomb of the unknown soldier; gone but not forgotten. If the memory of their plight helps us stop similar cruelty in the future then maybe, just maybe, there can be some good and useful purpose to their tragic loss.

I know that sounds hopelessly optimistic, but hopeless optimism seems to be my greatest driving force these days. Besides, maybe a little hopeless optimism is exactly what we need right now. With a self-hating, denial ripe congressional closet queen who publicly goes back on his word every few days and a self-mutilating tranny convict bringing the worst stereotypes of the LGBT community into the national spotlight for Idaho, optimism could end up being a short supplied precious commodity.

As I have said, I did not go through my yearly “dark voyage” for 2007. Usually I trudge through the muck of national news wires, LGBT press lines and the news and message boards of dozens of LGBT organizations. I find names, dates and locations. Then I research the names and search local news from their location. You would be amazed at what can be found if you just spend a couple of days sifting through the electronic garbage. I have even found home addresses and phone numbers of the next of kin.

Of course with an average of 13 - 15 Transgendered people being the victims of violence every year that kind of research is time consuming and exhaustive work. Not to mention the mental and emotional tolls one has to pay to be neck deep in that kind of inhumanity for any length of time. The truth is I avoided that research simply because I do not want to spend another week or two in a psychiatric facility again. As much as I want to serve and honor those fallen dead the price was just too high this year. I pray that they and the gods will forgive my selfishness. But I cannot honor them in life if I join them in death.

I do have some names. But I have little else. I cannot call out the names of their murderers as I have done in the past. I cannot report on the circumstances of their loss. I do not have the details of their lives before tragedy struck. So I humbly offer what little I do have. Blessings and peace be upon their souls.

Nakia Ladelle Baker
Cause of Death: Blunt force trauma to the head.

Keittirat Longnawa
Cause of Death: Beaten by 9 Youths who then slit her throat.

Moira Donaire
Cause of Death: Stabbed 5 times by a street vendor.

Michelle Carrasco “Chela”
Cause of Death: She was found in a pit with her face completely disfigured.

Ruby Rodriguez
Cause of Death: She had been strangled and was found naked in the street.

Erica Keel
Cause of Death: A car repeatedly struck her.

Bret T. Turner
Cause of Death: Multiple stab wounds.

Unidentified Male Clad in Female Attire
Cause of Death: Gunshot wounds to the chest and lower back.

Victoria Arellano
Cause of Death: Denied necessary medications to treat HIV-related side effects.

Oscar Mosqueda
Cause of Death: Shot to death.

Blessed Be

To Be or Not To Be... The Answer is the Thing

To Be or Not To Be… The Answer is the Thing
By Raven Usher

To be or not to be? Shakespeare called it “the question”. As I am sure that most of the English speaking world is familiar with these words, I am equally sure that few have ever bothered to contemplate them. A series of six very simple words actually present a very complicated question. Should I be? Or should I not be?

Have you ever spent any time thinking about what it means to be? It means existing. It means living and doing all the things that allow you to continue to live. To exist. To be. On the other side of that coin is the more ominous option. To NOT be.

Have you ever thought about not being? It is a chilling thought, is it not? Most people do not even want to approach the subject. The truth is that it never occurs to most people to contemplate being until they have an unsettling surprise encounter with the possibility of not being. It could be a car accident. It could be a heart attack. It could be staring down the barrel of a gun (someone else’s or your own).

How many of you have already come to the conclusion that you are reading the nonsensical ravings of a crazy suicidal bitch? Well, I have been suicidal and I might just be crazy. But I assure this is not nonsense.

You do not just recover from depression. A penicillin shot from your local doc does not clear it up in a few days the way it cleared up the after math of that rendezvous in the dark corner of the park with a stranger. It takes time. That is, if full recovery ever happens at all.

To be. To enjoy those things that bring you pleasure. To indulge in the company of those who love you. To sample the delicate tastes and flavors the world has to offer. To stand and face adversity. To endure sorrow. To feel ALL the feelings the human heart is capable off letting out. To balance the joys against the sorrows… the pleasures against the pains. To feel the heat of the sun and the cold of the snow. To feel silk on your chest and gravel under your feet. To sleep. And to wake up.

There is so much to consider. It is not an easy accomplishment to think about all those things. The truth is that most of us take it all for granted. We are use to them being there whether we need them or not. So many people scurry through life blissfully unaware of how fragile the whole structure can become. When a person has to consciously take stock of the entire company of his or her life on a daily basis, the sheer act of being becomes a dauntless struggle.

Not to be. The great escape. The great surrender. Is it cowardice? NO. It is defeat. It is confusion. It is the end of all the unanswerable question, the unendurable feelings and the total exhaustion of not being able to be. It is the answer to being trapped. It is pure sorrow at it strongest incarnation. It is, in a word, helplessness.

Most of us do not know, and hopefully will never know, true helplessness. I think most people think of helplessness in the cute and cuddly context of caring for an infant. But infants are not truly helpless. When an infant is in distress it can communicate the fact to those around the infant with a series of screams and yells. When one reaches the stage of considering not being even that simple survival skill is lost.

Depression and suicide runs rampant through the LGBT community. As optimistic as the “fell-gooders” want us all to be, it is not something that one can save oneself from. Have you ever heard the helpless cries of someone near you? Do you even know what to listen for? The helpless can not ask for help. Can you offer it?

Blessed be

Trans in Prison

Trans in Prison
By Raven Usher

There is currently a person in the Idaho State correctional facility who claims to be male to female transsexual. About once a year, during the media sweeps, he makes the news because he does something dramatic to get attention. This year he resorted to self mutilation by allegedly cutting out his own testicles.

The person has sued the corrections dept. and the state of Idaho a number of times trying to get the taxpayers to pay for hormone therapy (HRT) as a step towards sexual reassignment surgery (SRS). Each time he has failed.

Now, as you read the rest of this article remember that I myself am a pre-operative male to female transsexual. I have undergone HRT and have transition to the point where I am living full time as a woman.

In order to start HRT (without self medicating with black market medications) one must undergo psychological testing to confirm the level of your gender identity disorder (GID). Only about 10% of transgendered people qualify for those services. And even if you do qualify psychologically, there are a number of other factors that can disqualify you from actually receiving HRT and SRS.

One of the biggest disqualifiers is having a history of violent tendencies. True transsexuals are the ultimate pacifists. We just do not get violent. It is not in our nature. We tend to be so passive that most of the time we do not even fight to defend ourselves. It is part of the transsexual psychological make up.

I do not know why this person who claims to be transsexual is in prison. But being the child and sibling of police officers, I do know that you do not go to a state correctional facility for over a decade for non-violent crimes. Hormone treatment can react havoc on a person’s emotions. Starting SRS begins a period of emotional unbalance that can take three to six months to work out. If a person already has tendencies towards violence hormones will only intensify it.

I also know that a transsexual in a prison environment is all kinds of bad news! Prison society is a microcosm with its own societal rules and norms. The introduction of a transsexual would be so disruptive that it would threaten the working order of the entire prison to its very core. To have a transsexual in prison is to risk a level of unrest that could potentially trigger a violent riot that would endanger ALL the prisoners and the guard staff.

Because of these reasons, it is my personal believe that this person is trying to use HRT and SRS to keep himself isolated from other prisoners. It is actually a pretty good scam. But it is the absolute worse example possible for the transgender community. Not just in Idaho but all across the nation.

This man, note I said MAN, is not an acceptable candidate for HRT.
1) He has a history of violence.
DISQUALIFIED!
Hormone treatment will make violent people more violent.
2) He is in prison.
DISQUALIFIED!
The introduction of a trans person into a prison environment will put him in immediate danger of becoming a victim of physical violence, rape and murder.
According to the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care:
3) He does not have the ability to achieve ”the real life experience”.
DISQUALIFIED!
4) He does not have an long lasting relationship with a gender therapist.
DISQUALIFIED!

The simple truth of the matter is that this man should not start HRT in his present circumstances being in prison. Maybe when he is released from prison and undergoes regular therapy he will be able to pursue it. But right now, at this time, he should not start taking hormones. And gender activist organizations and individuals need to stop over reacting and screaming “discrimination” without taking the time to look at the overall situation. No good can come from his starting HRT in prison. It will put him in danger. It will put the prison at unnecessary risk. The Idaho State penitentiary and the State is doing the exact right thing by denying hormone treatment to this person at this time.

"Red Team, You Have a Patient"

“Red Team, You Have a Patient”

By Raven Usher

This is not an apology. There is no reason for me to apologize. Yes, it is true that I worried the hell out of my wife and kids. And I made my father, the ex military MP, fight back tears when he looked at me. And I triggered my brother’s EMT/cop protective instincts. And I sent my closest friends into a tizzy of near panic. Still with all this, there is no need for apologies.

I have written about it. I have talked about it. I have even lectured about it. I have come to the rescue of others in crisis from it. I have counseled people who have faced it. I have helped others beat it. During the last week in June 2007, it brought me to my knees and I needed others to come to my rescue.

At approximately two in the afternoon I left my house on my motorcycle trying to run from something that was not tangible. By eight o’clock that night I had been admitted to the Saint Alphonsus psychiatric center under suicide watch.

In February of this year I wrote about the 50% rule. It states that 50% of transsexuals will end up dead by their early 30’s… most by committing suicide. The Harry Benjamin Standards of Care calls it being susceptible to “Emotional lability”. I am nearly forty now and although I have surpassed that focal age group I am still in danger. I have been since October 2006.

Dealing with suicidal thoughts and feelings is a possibility that every transgendered person should be knowledgeable about. It may never plague you. If not count yourself lucky. It can hit any of us at any time. Although my own fight against suicide is not directly linked to my being transsexual, my predisposition of susceptibility to depression from being transgendered made it all the easier for outside influences overwhelm me.

Of course, anyone can fall victim to suicidal thoughts and feelings. It is not a condition that is particular to transgendered people. But if you are transgendered, and especially if you are on or are considering hormone therapy, you need to be aware that you are at added risk. Despite my current condition, undergoing hormone therapy and pursuing transition was still the best decision of my life. It has been my saving grace.

Being a trans person has its risks. Most of those risks do not come from the outside world. We must be vigilant against the possibility hatred, intolerance and violence. But it is more important to be aware of the risks from inside ourselves. Our own physical health and our mental and emotional states can present even more danger than bigots and religious fanatics.

It is a scary thing when your brain tries to convince you to end your own life. It is even scarier when you start to listen and move to do what you are being told. The danger got so real for me that it triggered my flight instinct. I ran. Luckily my instincts led me to run to where I could find help. It certainly was not conscious thought that got me to Saint Alphonsus. I do not know how I got there. All I know for certain is that I had been riding aimlessly for over an hour before I managed to take that left turn into their parking lot.

The truth is I got very lucky. I avoided doing any physical damage to myself. Unfortunately, not everyone who finds themselves in that position gets lucky. I have every possible safety precaution in place. I have professional help. But still… At this moment I cannot be confident about how long my luck will hold out. Or if I even have any luck left.

How lucky are you? Can you rely on your luck to save you? Please do not leave it to luck. Know your level of risk. Talk to someone before it becomes an emergency. There is a way out.
Blessed Be

24 hour suicide hotline: 1-800-726-0003